Thursday, April 1, 2010

Huge News!

Rush Limbaugh has moved to Costa Rica over night and promptly had a heart attack. His excellent treatment at the country's socialized hospital system has caused Rush to renounce his conservative beliefs and become a hippie. Bill O'reilley stated on his program, "I guess I was wrong. Socialism really is a good idea." Glen Beck, on the other hand merely called them both Nazi Socialist Marxists.

Also: Ever wonder why Tina Fey looks so much like Sarah Palin? So did a certain genealogical researcher at Rutgers University in New Jersey. It turns out the duo are actually long-lost cousins! Neither Palin nor Fey have yet commented on the matter (they have not had the opportunity), but the speculation is that one of the lady's family was estranged due to their political beliefs.

Also: Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell hugged Barack Obama today after taking a short break from his spring break after learning about the president's plan to drill off the coast of the United States.

Also: The entire country of Germany participated in a special protest in favor of campaign finance reform. The protesters spent the entire day naked, yet still continuing their daily routine, in order to symbolize the need for politicians to go without many of the luxuries that lobbyists buy for them in order to influence their voting.

Also: Pope Benedict XVI came out of the closet today as a homosexual atheist. And, due to the belief in the Pope's infallibility, the millions of Catholics around the globe no longer will go to church, pray, or discriminate against homosexuals.

Also: Fox News has actually admitted bias! Shep Smith today at exactly 11:55 am EST announced that he has been given permission to admit that "Fox News is a conservative news network. We have continuously taken the side of conservatives in on air debates and have numerously supplied talking points to the republicans of this country. That whole 'Fair and Balanced' thing is a load of BS." OMG YES!!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!

Also: Vishnu the Hindu god finally got tired of incorrect religions and descended from the clouds to announce that he was in fact the one true god, and that even Hindus got it wrong with their belief in many. He said he used to chill with some guy named Odin, but that was a long time ago. The entirety of the world believed Vishnu once he made it start raining in ever desert on earth at the same time.

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